2024 to 2025 was an unsettling transition for me that I’ve still been grieving; while I don’t cry about Bagel’s passing anymore, I grieve about the loss of him not being on my lap through daily commutes and how the world has gotten so much more impatient without him. As best as I try to focus on the present of being this working mother with a home filled with life, I was  haunted by anticipatory grief of my family.. and honestly just yearned for a quick “soul-searching getaway” to gtfo and reset.

While Tokyo isn’t typically regarded as a retreat of serenity and peace, I lived there years ago (a favorite clip of my life) and I yearned to walk aimlessly in the streets, wiggle my way into tiny restaurants, struggle with ordering food, eat an absurd amount of sushi without a toddler, inhale damn good Hokkaido milk ice cream. I ached for a break from my routine meals mainly revolving around my toddler and/or work. After much deliberation, many cautious responses from peers, mom guilt for stepping out from family for pleasure, and being held over the phone in booking an infant flight late at night, I finally booked it.

For the past 2 years in visiting our families, I asked myself “does it make sense to fly to Japan this time?” and each time it was a “no, I should see family in Taiwan (only)“…

This third time, I hesitated but dug deeper through scenarios:

1. Now that we have an 8m old baby, I could bring him by splitting from my older son + partner for a bit…
2. If my older son got sick, he would be with my partner + family and I could fly back.
3. If baby got sick, I’ll nurse him and figure it out.
4. If I missed our flight, I’ll book us the next one.
5. If our planned accomodation isn’t available when we need it, I’ll book a hotel. 

The constant practice of reminding myself the worst case scenarios and having that mom gut-instinct pulled me through.

I decided half a week before departing to Taiwan – to book my trip from Taipei to Tokyo. Days before departing Taipei at the tail end of our family trip, I packed Finley’s essentials, double-checked our travel documents, slept with Cassian, and early in the morning, departed out from Taipei’s airport with Finley snuggled in my arms. (If there’s anything you know about me, I used to be terrified of holding a baby and follow every damn parenting rule, but now that this might be our last, I’m obsessed with cuddling with him)

From the moment we lifted off, I was thrilled for our brief adventure; For the past 3+ years, I’ve been uptight about sleep routines and western medical practices on safe sleeping in a crib and tracking wake windows.

As soon as I passed through the security gate, I immediately followed mom + Finley’s lead (sounds of sleep grunts, cries of discomfort, lots of giggles and peeking eyes); he was like my little Grogu who embraced each moment as it came and fell asleep and woke up naturally. Once we landed in Tokyo, we explored new stores, walked through Yoyogi park, inhaled familiar but improved food (fresh milk bread – IDK why even the worst asian bread is always superior than American bread). By late afternoon, we refreshed briefly at J’s gorgeous home and head back out for dinner. Our waiter helped sit him next to me as he nibbled on karaage without the fry batter, while watching me inhale 6k yen worth of sushi that was sent to me via conveyer belt and inhaled plum wine. We enjoyed the simple joys of being together without rules.

Finley’s laughter and curiosity of what I was eating were infectious, and I found myself skin to skin, relaxing in a nice bath with him and sleeping on a tatami mat in a way I hadn’t in years.

Many people believe that once you become a parent, travel becomes a distant dream, since travel is a luxury reserved for the childless …or ultra wealthy parents who can travel with dedicated child support. But I firmly believe that travel can and should continue, even with babies and/or young children. It’s not just about the destination or time; it’s about the journey and the memories. These adventures can be for your wellbeing too. Sure, Finley was spoiled by not being in a carseat and me embracing him; sure Finley didn’t learn Japanese or any mannerisms, but he experienced the smell of wood, the sound of kids running on tatami mats excited to play with him.

Before, I was too damn scared of my baby slipping in a bathtub, but I learned how heartwarming a proper Japanese bath routine skin-to-skin with my baby is, and how I could really embrace these fleeting moments with him while he’s so little. The high pressures and western beliefs that dictate every aspect of parenting is so overwhelming, but taking a step back and allowing myself to be present in the moment has been incredibly liberating. Even though I was hoping for a daughter, I’m his mother, and he’s my second son – possibly my last child.. and I’m celebrating this journey as much as I can.

So, to all the parents out there (or those who think their lives will be dull confinement for at least 18 years), don’t let that fear hold you back. Embrace the unexpected, cherish the moments, and take the time to bond with your children, sometimes for a day, sometimes at a park, sometimes individually with different people/pet(s). My older son Cassian was able to spend some solid 1 on 1 time with dad, and dad with Cassian, while I had an incredible ~48 hours being Finley’s mother / guardian – and am so proud to have him as my second son.